National Coming Out Day (I still want to be a lighthouse)

Today is National Coming Out Day. I've made my annual Facebook post reminding my friends and family that I'm several flavors of queer. I also mentioned I'm Wiccan, which is a very recently demolished closet, for me. I hope my less accepting relatives will be kinder, this time. It's really hard when you love people who don't accept you.

Back at my old blog, The Midnight Ballroom, I talked about wanting to be a lighthouse. I meant in the context of lolita fashion--I want to give hope to young lolitas just starting to build their wardrobes, to make them feel included in this world of (gothic) frills, just like other lolita blogs did for me. 

I'm still building my wardrobe, and if anything I've made negative progress on that. But I still yearn to be a lighthouse, and the meaning of that phrase has expanded for me. Even though I come out every year on Facebook, lots of queer people can't do that. No one should feel pressured to come out, but I hope that in being visible, I can make the world outside the closet less scary.

Happy National Coming Out Day.

Impossible Boy (another song analysis)

Another new song. It's similar in some ways to the previous one. I started writing without a goal in mind, except for this overwhelming feeling that I had to put into words. (That's often the form inspiration takes for me.) More specifically I was excited that my singing voice was finally starting to deepen. The afternoon I began composing, I had attended a Sacred Harp song for the first time, and I sat in the tenor section. I'd never had the chance to be a fool blown tenor and I never want to stop.

As an aside, in the past I've been worried that my voice will lose any possible ethereal quality as it deepens. But I realized that a) any vocal range can sound ethereal and b) as someone who values etheralness so highly, I doubt I could be unethereal if I trotted. So that was rather comforting. 

So, the words: 

Impossible Boy 

"Changeling prince, come be my bard
Delight me with your starsong
Leave "her" behind, that mortal ruse
The glamor of your music
For I'm the king who listens in your shadow when you sing
Where branches cross like antlers
By the Lady's moon we dance..."

So my song feels better
Going under Hill
In the deep halls settle
Sounding sweeter still
Think I'll be a tenor
And their timbre fill!
From my lord a smile:
"Here's your heart all this while
So beguile me however long you will."

"Sidhe of future, she of past
And he who calls me Master
Through your crumbling garden climb
To find Her starbells chiming!"
The ghostly Moon remembers all the spells are breaking soon
And then these eyelids flutter
Past the dreaming gate long shut


And He called, "Beloved
Waken at my kiss
In church or coven
All my magic for this!"
Is my voice a siren?
Tidal-locked abyss
And I'm going home
Where the stars turn to foam
In my gloaming, no more Nameless Things to miss

Ere deep waves destroy me, his sweet voice undrown
Impossible boy with his fae flower crown
The child whose heart I could never express
Whose wand lights the stars in his sparkling dress
Under Grandmother Moon
Enchanting the sky
Hear the Holly King croon
His falling snow lullaby
And He takes my hand
"My darling, shall we return?
I'll give you birthday candles that shine to dry up the tears that burn!"

"Shall mirrored crystal hide thy face?
I search through fractured space-time
Sea-stars on the dark reefs glow
Their spirals dance unknowing"
These cosmic tides will carry what my voice no longer hides
Then on His night mare captured
"Will you lift the window latch?"

And it feels like fire
Or despair, or ice
Under hex and briar
Trauma's sacrifice
But the witch brews power
And he stirs it thrice
I became that prince
He's lit up ever since
Here's the incense to entice with Autumn spice

And in pumpkin moonlight waiting, here I hold
The cloak of Faerie's King if I get cold

This wouldn't be the first song where I meet the Faerie-King-Who's-Actually-the-God. It's sort of a trope at this point. Anyway, the basic story is that a faery king falls in love with a mortal young man (partly because of his voice I assume) but the mortal is actually a faery prince who has been forced to live in the human world as a changeling. 

What's more, he had his true form hidden behind an odd glamor: the appearance of a mortal woman. (*stares in trans*) And the king is the only one who can see his true form and call him home. For a long time before coming out or transitioning I felt as though the God were the only one who could see my masculinity and had the power to make it real, and that's one reason He became so important to me. 

Speaking of, if anyone doubted the faery king's hidden divinity at this point, "branches like antlers" and "the Lady's moon" directly point to the Horned God and the Goddess. 

When I talk about going under Hill (where the Fae live, I'm told) it's really more of a way to talk about my voice deepening. Both in lyrics and music, this part of the verse has a more modern feeling, but I always feel awkward being too direct about that kind of thing in my songs. I like to couch things in poetic language because a) it's pretty and b) I'm real shy.

I love the sidhe/she pun, but I can't take credit for it. Here, it means that in the future I can go on being my true fae self, because the "female" me is of the past. 

The crumbling garden may be a reference to a metaphor I use to try to understand my Dusk (woman-aligned/lunarian) side. If genders are houses, then my guy side, Rain, feels like a strange old mansion but still a dwelling of some sort. Dusk is a mysterious ancient ruin overcome with rose vines. A very different and difficult to understand gender. 

I imagined myself finding my Goddess Rivarwe's tower in this part of the song. Usually when I mention bells or starbells, it's an indication of Her presence. 

Speaking of roses, I often use metaphors from the Sleeping Beauty fairytale, only I'm the prince waiting to wake. That metaphor shows up several more times: "waken at my kiss" and "under hex and briar," for example. 

I like the line "in a church or coven" because it reminds me that I am still a witch whether I'm singing in an Episcopal choir or doing ritual with my Pagan friends, and my Deities are still with me. And care enough to put all Their magic towards...waking me, or something.

Have I mentioned I like astronomy? I'm especially interested in the idea of a habitable planet that's tidally locked as it orbits a dim red M type star. So I'm invoking the "space is an ocean" trope here, in this line: "tidal-locked [space] abyss [deep ocean]." I do that a few more times in the lines "where the stars turn to foam" and "sea-stars in on the dark reefs glow / their spirals [I mean galaxies, here] dance unknowing."

Growing up, I used to go out for walks in the twilight a lot. That's where the name Dusk came from. I always felt this nameless wistful ache, which I conceptualized as a longing to follow the Elves to the West (I'm a Tolkien fan). I never figured out what that longing was really for, but it's quite telling that I'm finally starting to feel contented and happy, now that I'm transitioning. 

Now here's the part that always makes me cry, and which gave the song it's name. It's similar to In My Grandmother's House, in thar I'm picturing the boyhood I never had, but I seem to be even younger in this song. I thought I would have a lot more to say about this stanza but I have no words, only feelings. So I'll let it speak for itself. 

Right, the third and last verse. I like the image of a faery king searching all through space and time and other strange realms for his beloved. I'm not sure who exactly is asking the question at the end, but "Will you lift the window latch?" essentially means will you answer the Call (whatever might be calling you)? Will you take that first step despite being afraid? 

Speaking of fear, this next bit is my attempt to put my anxiety and panic attacks into words. Fire, despair, and ice. But I'm a witch, and that helps me remember my own agency and power. I tried to paint a picture here of the traditional Halloweeny witch in their cottage. 

Waiting for my Love who dwells in Faerie. 

(An informal recording of the song if you're interested.)

In My Grandmother's House (explaining a new song in depth)

Every time I create something, I always wish I could explain my artistic choices in depth to the audience. So today I'll start by telling you about a new song. It's the first I've written since I spent those eight months writing accompaniment for the songs currently on my bandcamp. It's also the first song I plan to only record in my new post-T voice.

This song was inspired by a meditation that took place during a ritual I attended. So it's part witchy stuff, part gender...angst, I suppose is the word. 

In My Grandmother's House 

Was I just below the ocean
In the mermaids’ iridescence?
Here below Her spiral starcase
There's a house I've never seen
Will you drink His seasalt potion?
I can't see Her triple crescents
And the rain with silver-dark grace
Gives my heart its magic sheen

Hear it drumming like a heartbeat
Where the water and the stars meet
There's a sunset, gold and glowing
In this sloping attic room
In this world, by stormlight's quick sheen
I'm a boy who's trans at sixteen
And it feels like witchcraft, knowing
Just like Autumn orchards blooming
Nearer 'destiny' than 'doom'

"In my Grandmother's house, we can romp around like children
By Her cauldron and broom, She's the Lady and the Crone."
Oh my God, this chair creaks loud with woven straw the sun has guilded
I feel shamelessly gay in your arms when we're alone

It's impossible and perfect
An untortured adolescence?
I can feel the winding deep blue
Of abyssal mer-king's touch
Were the years I suffered worth it
To be me in all my essence?
"Hush now--safe is where I'll keep you
Just one vision's not too much."

For the Witch gave us Her haven
She of void and rain and raven
In this quilt that's warm and narrow
We're Her boys--the village knows
Can I touch your fuzzy sweater?
"Come right here--I'll make it better
And I'll wake you from the barrow
Full of tears forever frozen--
Wall of briars gave one rose."

In my Grandmother's house...

In the rainstorm catch me crying
As the gold returns to silver
On the carven stonework lying
And by purple ocean chilled
But the rain still haunts her garden
Silhouette--She flies at twilight
And I watch your attic darken
Feeling safe enough to sigh

Imagine me a teenage boy, with all my closets open
For just the dream it happened taught my coiling pain to hope

In my Grandmother's house...

In the meditation we descended a stairway, and mine took the form of a spiral stairway that leads up to the tower room of one of my Goddesses. It's called the "star-way" or "star-case" because when you enter Her tower, instead of finding the curved walls of the building you step onto a gleaming silvery staircase in an endless star field, which spirals forever up and down. 

That Goddess' name is Rivarwe, or the Raven. Like most of my personal pantheon, She originated as part of my stories. 

At this time I was struggling a little with my relationship with the Goddess. I love Her, and She's the voice that called me to Wicca, but right now I feel much closer to the God, and have a much clearer picture of Him. (FYI, I'm not going to be super consistent in capitalizing pronouns--rather I'll do it when I feel like it would be especially meaningful. "He/Him/His" in particular has baggage for me, from my Christian background.)

At first I found myself under the sea, and for me of course that means merfolk. And by merfolk I mostly mean the God, being the most gorgeous sparkly mermaid I've ever seen (or merman I guess, unless it's gender neutral). I think the only reason I came up out of the ocean was that we were instructed to envision rain. So that's when I found myself in a house, where the rest of the song takes place. 

It was a cozy cottage during an autumn rainstorm. I've never been there, but it felt both familiar and like it would be fun to explore. 

I met a boy with long chestnut hair (much like my own, or maybe a shade darker) and indeed, a fuzzy sweater in some shade of...beige, or tan? I knew immediately who he was (the God, if that wasn't obvious), but not what role he was intending to play in the story of this vision. But I noticed he had appeared to me as being in his midteens, and then I realized I was also fifteen or sixteen. 

He showed me his attic room where sunset fire poured in from low window under the sloping ceiling. Everything in the room looked old and kind of...country? In a nice way. He told me this house was his Grandmother's, and later I realized he meant the Goddess, in Her witchy crone form. 

In that vision, I was still afab (assigned female at birth) and I might not have been on T, but I was out as trans, and it was known that I was dating the Witch's grandson and under Her protection. Not that I needed much protection--I knew in the vision (or when pondering it afterward) that the Witch's community was a safe one. But still, as someone with so much trauma, you can never have a strong enough feeling of safety. 

I grew up in a cult. In real life, I mean. I can't remember if I said that before (and I tend to dissociate when I choose to talk about it, anyway). I didn't even know trans people existed till my early twenties, well after I first felt dysphoria. So part of this vision represents a heartbreaking fantasy in which I not only didn't get complex ptsd, but also was able to be out, as myself. To have the boyhood I didn't have. Just a femme gay boy who happens to be trans, hanging out in his boyfriend's room (and trying not to get caught because those straw chairs do creak pretty loud). 

One more interesting tidbit before I wrap this up--"void and rain and raven" are the symbols or domains of three of the Goddesses from my world, who form a sort of Maiden-Mother-Crone trio. Rivarwe (from earlier), whose symbol is the raven, Uelani the Goddess of rain and time, and Kyrle who dwells in the void between galaxies.

If you'd like to hear an informal recording of this song, please enjoy! I'm certainly having fun putting my new deeper voice to work.