In My Grandmother's House (explaining a new song in depth)

Every time I create something, I always wish I could explain my artistic choices in depth to the audience. So today I'll start by telling you about a new song. It's the first I've written since I spent those eight months writing accompaniment for the songs currently on my bandcamp. It's also the first song I plan to only record in my new post-T voice.

This song was inspired by a meditation that took place during a ritual I attended. So it's part witchy stuff, part gender...angst, I suppose is the word. 

In My Grandmother's House 

Was I just below the ocean
In the mermaids’ iridescence?
Here below Her spiral starcase
There's a house I've never seen
Will you drink His seasalt potion?
I can't see Her triple crescents
And the rain with silver-dark grace
Gives my heart its magic sheen

Hear it drumming like a heartbeat
Where the water and the stars meet
There's a sunset, gold and glowing
In this sloping attic room
In this world, by stormlight's quick sheen
I'm a boy who's trans at sixteen
And it feels like witchcraft, knowing
Just like Autumn orchards blooming
Nearer 'destiny' than 'doom'

"In my Grandmother's house, we can romp around like children
By Her cauldron and broom, She's the Lady and the Crone."
Oh my God, this chair creaks loud with woven straw the sun has guilded
I feel shamelessly gay in your arms when we're alone

It's impossible and perfect
An untortured adolescence?
I can feel the winding deep blue
Of abyssal mer-king's touch
Were the years I suffered worth it
To be me in all my essence?
"Hush now--safe is where I'll keep you
Just one vision's not too much."

For the Witch gave us Her haven
She of void and rain and raven
In this quilt that's warm and narrow
We're Her boys--the village knows
Can I touch your fuzzy sweater?
"Come right here--I'll make it better
And I'll wake you from the barrow
Full of tears forever frozen--
Wall of briars gave one rose."

In my Grandmother's house...

In the rainstorm catch me crying
As the gold returns to silver
On the carven stonework lying
And by purple ocean chilled
But the rain still haunts her garden
Silhouette--She flies at twilight
And I watch your attic darken
Feeling safe enough to sigh

Imagine me a teenage boy, with all my closets open
For just the dream it happened taught my coiling pain to hope

In my Grandmother's house...

In the meditation we descended a stairway, and mine took the form of a spiral stairway that leads up to the tower room of one of my Goddesses. It's called the "star-way" or "star-case" because when you enter Her tower, instead of finding the curved walls of the building you step onto a gleaming silvery staircase in an endless star field, which spirals forever up and down. 

That Goddess' name is Rivarwe, or the Raven. Like most of my personal pantheon, She originated as part of my stories. 

At this time I was struggling a little with my relationship with the Goddess. I love Her, and She's the voice that called me to Wicca, but right now I feel much closer to the God, and have a much clearer picture of Him. (FYI, I'm not going to be super consistent in capitalizing pronouns--rather I'll do it when I feel like it would be especially meaningful. "He/Him/His" in particular has baggage for me, from my Christian background.)

At first I found myself under the sea, and for me of course that means merfolk. And by merfolk I mostly mean the God, being the most gorgeous sparkly mermaid I've ever seen (or merman I guess, unless it's gender neutral). I think the only reason I came up out of the ocean was that we were instructed to envision rain. So that's when I found myself in a house, where the rest of the song takes place. 

It was a cozy cottage during an autumn rainstorm. I've never been there, but it felt both familiar and like it would be fun to explore. 

I met a boy with long chestnut hair (much like my own, or maybe a shade darker) and indeed, a fuzzy sweater in some shade of...beige, or tan? I knew immediately who he was (the God, if that wasn't obvious), but not what role he was intending to play in the story of this vision. But I noticed he had appeared to me as being in his midteens, and then I realized I was also fifteen or sixteen. 

He showed me his attic room where sunset fire poured in from low window under the sloping ceiling. Everything in the room looked old and kind of...country? In a nice way. He told me this house was his Grandmother's, and later I realized he meant the Goddess, in Her witchy crone form. 

In that vision, I was still afab (assigned female at birth) and I might not have been on T, but I was out as trans, and it was known that I was dating the Witch's grandson and under Her protection. Not that I needed much protection--I knew in the vision (or when pondering it afterward) that the Witch's community was a safe one. But still, as someone with so much trauma, you can never have a strong enough feeling of safety. 

I grew up in a cult. In real life, I mean. I can't remember if I said that before (and I tend to dissociate when I choose to talk about it, anyway). I didn't even know trans people existed till my early twenties, well after I first felt dysphoria. So part of this vision represents a heartbreaking fantasy in which I not only didn't get complex ptsd, but also was able to be out, as myself. To have the boyhood I didn't have. Just a femme gay boy who happens to be trans, hanging out in his boyfriend's room (and trying not to get caught because those straw chairs do creak pretty loud). 

One more interesting tidbit before I wrap this up--"void and rain and raven" are the symbols or domains of three of the Goddesses from my world, who form a sort of Maiden-Mother-Crone trio. Rivarwe (from earlier), whose symbol is the raven, Uelani the Goddess of rain and time, and Kyrle who dwells in the void between galaxies.

If you'd like to hear an informal recording of this song, please enjoy! I'm certainly having fun putting my new deeper voice to work.